School, Stress, School and More Stress

My eating is basically just a whole lot of bingeing, every meal is a binge for me, every meal feels like a defeat and something I can’t control. Being out of control just stresses me out, which leads to more bingeing which then in turn makes me feel ever MORE out of control. It’s ridiculous.

After that last sentence, my mom called me downstairs to help her with something then I went and washed my face then she called me against and accused me of eating all the cream cheese frosting off of the cake she made. I didn’t but I thought about it, if that doesn’t prove I’m an absolute fat ass, I don’t know what will.

Okay, I’m here to figure out how to go from grotesque to decent. I’m thinking of going with a high calorie intake, which you can barely call restricting but with what I’ve been consuming, I feel like it’s better than setting up myself for failure. 1100 to 1500 calories a day until I feel I’m ready to push myself more. It will be manageable when school starts up here again and I’m coping with the mornings and all the people buzzing around the halls. I’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.

So, aside from being absolute garbage, I have school starting. I’m taking two pretty tough courses and just some catch up ones. I’m pretty excited to have something to give all my time to. All I can think about is getting good grades, restricting and getting out of this house. I want to be free, I want to be… more than this. More than who I am right now. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I guess I’ll just have to wait until the day something finally changes.

Anyway, I’ll be planning what I’m eating tomorrow and probably making more things to add to the site.

Bulimia, Calorie Adjustment and Self-hate

Hi, I’m here to say that I’m really struggling to keep my calorie intake low. I’ve been b/p’ing a lot and I’m really relapsing into bulimia and I’m thinking of really going into a high calorie goal so I won’t be triggered into b/p every night when I have an intake of like, 600-800 calories.

I cannot get over the amount of guilt I feel over everything. I’ve only gained like two pounds since my b/p cycle really took off but obviously that’s from the purging aspect. All I want to do is just cut up all of my skin and purge all of my stomach. I hate myself so so much. I hate everything about me. I don’t deserve all the people in my life, I don’t deserve to live. I don’t deserve to be happy. I deserve to starve until I’m nothing. Until all I am is a broken soul.

It’s That Horrible Time of Day Again

Calorie counting time! (I’m so fucking screwed.)

Lunch
Two large iced coffees with a caramel shot from Tim Hortons = 520 calories
Banana = 100 calories

“Snack”
Peanut Butter Cups = 240 calories

Dinner
Salad w/ chicken strips = 300

Total calories = 1,160 calories

Wooooooooow, I fucking hate myself. I don’t deserve to eat and I don’t deserve to be skinny since I always give myself such fucking shitty food. How does anyone even eat that much? No fucking way am I eating like this tomorrow, I just can’t.

I am NOT going to be eating like this for the rest of the year, I just really can’t see myself doing that. I won’t even let myself do that.

In other news, I’m anxiously waiting for my foster mom to get back from the US so I’m able to stay sane. I also have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow ! I love my psychiatrist, honestly. No doctor has ever helped me as much as he has and no one has ever understood the way my brain works so clearly. I’m so thankful I’ve gotten the time I did with him.

Okay, I guess I will spend the rest of the night updating the website. (:

B/P, Self Harm & The Big Move

Hi, I just purged for the second day in a row. I know that would seem like a small amount to some as I know some bulimics often purge about 10 times a day. I, however, was recovered and I guess I’m really relapsing. It kind of feels like I purged using a nail. My throat absolutely kills because I had to push my fingers so far back to get anything up. I’m looking at my hand and there’s small red marks from my teeth. Hopefully they go away quickly and go unnoticed. I just can’t get over how sore my throat is right now though, it feels like I’m going to be coughing up blood any second, ugh.

On another note, I’ve been getting the urge to self harm. Why? Only God knows, as my life is actually exactly the same as it was two weeks ago. I find myself searching for self harm photos and my need is actually quite sick. I feel disgusting in so many ways. I mean, just the other day I ate 644 calories, it was after 9 PM and I was about to go to bed. I went downstairs for my pills and what do I do? I eat. The whole fucking kitchen, it seemed. Poptarts, fruit snacks, ice cream, cookies and pudding, it felt like I was about to explode. I’m so gross..

Okay, I’ve been thinking more and more about moving everyday and what I’ve come up with is that I absolutely need to do it. There’s no other thing I can do, I cannot be in foster care for much longer. I’m so desperate to be able to do things on time and correctly. Did I mention my mother died in May? I also didn’t even see her for months and I couldn’t even see her before she passed. All because of the stupid foster care agency and their bullshit. That was absolutely the last straw. I’m done. I’ve decided to move in summer 2017, into my grandmothers house and there I will finish my last year (hopefully) of school starting in August 2017. I will get a job around this time and save up to move out of that house about a year after I’ve finished school. I will probably either stay in that city for a couple/few years until I do more education in the city I’m currently closer to. I’m not sure what I want to do with my career choices but I’m definitely doing something like I always said I would.
Now, before the move, I have so much to do. I want to get my cat registered as an emotional support animal and I’ve really been looking into that lately. I also need to get my name and gender mark changed then get my new birth certificate, ID’s and my license, or at least get that going. I’ll have to save just about every penny I get and maybe sell some of the things I own, or at least donate them so I have less stuff in the move. I also have to start showing more responsibility to everyone, mostly myself. I have to start cooking more often, doing laundry, cleaning, get better grades and just show everyone I can be an adult and I’m ready to move on with my life, outside of foster care. Before the move, I’m also going to get in contact with the high school of the city I’m moving to and get in touch with the previous woman that had helped me in my younger years because I’m almost positive that she’s still working there and I know that she’ll be more than happy to help me once again. I’m thinking of doing alternative education with my friend because that way her and I will both be more motivated to finish what we’re doing. I just really need to finish high school as soon as I can. I can’t be a drop out like the rest of my family. Being like them is my greatest fear, as disappointing as that is. Anyway, I guess I’ll work on more content to put up on the site now. Goodnight.

My Daily Calories, How I Feel & Suicide

My Calorie Intake:
Chicken w/ barbecue sauce = 450 calories
Yogurt = 100 calories
Chocolate milk = 150 calories
Small pork chop = 235 calories
Three spoon fulls of rice = 40 calories
Bagged salad = 35 calories
2 Bananas = 200 calories
Corn = 135 calories
Total = 1,345

My first day back at restricting was an absolute failure. I can’t believe I ate so much and I didn’t even have that many fruits or vegetables. No way am I ever eating that much again, after I had my dinner, I felt like I was dying because I was so full. I don’t know why I let myself eat so much. Tomorrow will be so much better, I swear. If it’s not, I’ll honestly just die lmao.

Anyway.. last night, I had a dream I was suicidal again. I mean, REALLY suicidal, I had a plan, I was saying my goodbyes and it was all I could think about and all I could feel. I remember waking up and feeling the exact same way until I realised it was a dream. It scares me because I know I can go back to that dark place at any time, although I kind of want to because I have it in my head, that that’s when I feel the most at peace and when starving myself is the easiest. I can’t think like that though… my birthday is coming up, I’m nowhere near my UGBMI, I haven’t finished high school and I just haven’t done anything respectful with my life yet. As soon as I feel I’ve done my part in this world, I think that’s when I’ll finally let myself go. When I finally feel like I’m worthy of some rest and peace. I’ll do whatever I damn well please. For now I just have to focus on losing weight, finishing school, being a good kid and doing something decent with my life. I can’t be another nothing, I can’t continue to be nothing. Big fat nothing.

I’m planning on moving out next year but maybe I won’t just so I can make sure I graduate high school and have at least something I can work with. Then I’ll probably move in with my father and save up some cash then basically go somewhere I can get settled in with my best friend, if she’s up for it. If not, I guess I have a few friends I can ask to move out with me. I just can’t be under someone else’s roof for too long. I also can’t be in the same place for too long either. I’m really hoping I get my life figured out someday. I’m only sixteen which makes it seem crazy that I’m thinking of all this but my seventeenth birthday is next month and I can’t bare the thought of being in foster care for too long. I just lost my biological mother which just makes it feel like I lost my whole future, which I know isn’t true but I planned on graduating and moving in with her so I can take care of her. I just feel really lost now even though it may seem like I have a plan, I just don’t really know about anything anymore. I just know what I have to do in this moment.

Anyway, I should take my meds and be off to bed now, I have something planned for tomorrow. Movies. God, I hope I don’t have to get anything except some diet pop or something. If it turns out I do have to get something, I’ll just get packaged candies and hide them. Goodnight, everyone.

Another Painful Day

I went to see my psychiatrist today and talked to him about my current habits and anxieties. He said I’m at risk of relapsing into my bulimia and to which I thought to myself, why does it have to be bulimia? How do you know if I’m binge eating or not? That was a trigger, even though he’s suppose to be helping me with everything.. Anyway, I only had a nectarine today buuuut then I binged on pizza and garlic fingers. I didn’t purge. I won’t fucking purge because if I can’t be strong enough to starve myself, I don’t deserve to be skinny or lose weight. I’m fat and I won’t make excuses for my disgusting behaviour.

I’m feeling absolutely horrendous. I hate myself, my fat fucking body. I can’t do this to myself anymore. I will be thin. I will be bones. I will be everything everyone thinks I can’t be.

Aye, They’re Back at It Again

8:05pm: Hello, this is my first time posting again in while and I have deleted all of my other posts. So, I am going to start as if I’ve just made this site. You can call me Sparrow, I’m sixteen and my pronouns are they/them or he/him. I’m a generally feminine person, I live in Canada and I’m in the eleventh grade. I’ve had issues with my self-image, weight and food since I was pretty young. I’ve never been diagnosed with any eating disorder but I’ve had really restrictive behaviours before and I’ve struggled with b/p for a long time. Anyway, my habits currently consist of restricting around 800 calories or bingeing up to 2000-2500. Here on this site, I’m going to try my best to get back to the 0 calorie to 700 zone comfortably. I’m at one of my highest weights and I’ve been losing slowly after my mother passed away in May and I had been in the hospital.. Hopefully I get back the control I so desperately crave. I’ll be posting as often as I can and start updating the content of this site once again, hopefully able to aid myself in my journey to my UGW.